The Journey of Confusion

Moving.....

2009-04-25T10:40:00.001-07:00

I have moved:
www.rucamosgirl.wordpress.com

feel free to visit!

2009-03-09T09:23:00.000-07:00

On Thursday I spent the evening with a very close friend of mine and with someone who was never a close friend but we can always relate to each other when we are together. We spent hours talking about life, about the things that really matter. We shared our struggles and our joys; it was an evening of vulnerability of openess and of honesty. I cannot tell you how much this evening meant to me, the fellowship was amazing. There was no judgement and no suggestions for quick fixes, it was purely listening and understanding. There are not many people whom I have been able to be so brutally honest with and it was truly a breath of fresh air for my wary soul. I left that evening with a renewed sense of hope for my life, I no longer feel alienated and alone. I can see that this epidmic of struggling is not just found in me but rather if we were to look around we would see that it is an epidemic of struggling found within the "church" I use that term lightly because I am unsure whether I would be considered a part of the church by the "church members" any longer, regardless I feel I still am a vital part of this body of Christ.

Something we spoke about while we were together was the idea of the symptom and the root of the problem. Often we are directed to fix the symptom but the problem is that even if that symptom were to disappear the root of the symptom would still remain and another symptom would reappear. If we ignore the root we really aren't treating anything and we won't ever really feel better. We will never feel free and liberated if we don't get down to the root. This is not going to be a quick fix in fact it will be a long drawn out process of years, most likely your whole life but I truly believe that journey will be worth it. I desire to see a change in mindset in my generation we are literally whithering away into our struggles unaware of what this is doing to the state of our generation. One by one we are falling down denouncing our faith because we think that is the root of the feeling of oppression when really that's a symptom; there is something much deeper going on here much much deeper.

Now that I am realizing this I really need to do something but that is where I am stuck. I guess I need to start exploring the root of my symptoms. This is gonna hurt but I'm just beginning to believe that it really is worth it.

Starbucks

2009-03-06T19:30:00.000-08:00

Every Friday afternoon I pick Carlos up from work at Chinook Mall. My weekly routine is to get to the mall ten minutes early, run into the mall and get a grande non-fat, sugar-free, vanilla tea misto with grean tea. Every time I go there the same people are working, and they are having so much fun together. I look at them and I envy them, singing and talking and charming every single customer. At the same time that I envy them I feel uncomfortable. It bothers me that I feel uncomfortable, I avoid eye contact I feel awkward if they try and charm me, it's not like they are trying to "pick me up" they are simply being nice to their customers.

Why does it make me feel so uncomfortable??

Africa

2009-03-02T05:40:00.000-08:00

I have always had a heart for Africa. It has always been my dream to go there and to do something worthwhile. It's one of the major reasons I wanted to be in a medical profession. I'll be honest though, I really had no idea what the state of Africa really was, politically, physically, or emotionally. The more Carlos tells me about it the more my heart breaks for that continent. This morning I am very close to tears at the news of yet another assassination in the country of Guinea-Bissau. Last night the General of the army was targeted and killed apparently under the orders of he President and just hours laterthe president was shot dead in his home, this comes after months of unrest in the country.

Carlos called this morning on his way to work to tell me the news. He said he was so happy about it because now the country would be free from the opressing power of the president. While I completely understand his joy in the situation I can't help but be very saddened. I don't think this will be the end of this story. There will be far and reaching consequences of todays events and they will never end. What will it take to bring that country to peace, to bring that continent to peace? It's such a sad history and yet nothing can be done, I want to be optimistic but looking at the history that is very hard to do. Just like Robert Mugabe this president was once good and the people liked him at one time but as the years went by power got the best of him and he became corrupt as well. So as I look to the future I wonder how long he bliss will last for the people of Guinea-Bissau.

I am not only saddened because this situation had to come to a presidential assassination but because I am close friends with the nephew of that president. He lives here because of the risk to his life due to his uncle. What a tragedy in his life. Yes the president was a terrible leader but he was also a husband, father, uncle, and brother, I feel for his loved ones and my friend. I am constantly wondering the emotions that my friend is going through but dare nor speak of it because he is trying hard to have a life here among people who despise his uncle and so I will be silent while my heart is breaking inside.

Please pray for this country, I hope God has a great plan but that's all I can do is hope.

The Truth

2009-01-31T11:01:00.000-08:00

I'm currently taking a Religious Studies class in University, "Introduction to the Bible." Originally I thought it would be an easy class, one that I could just slide by and get good grades, and give myself a break. It didn't take me long to realize that my assumptions were as far from the truth as I could ever imagine.

My proff is funny, witty, and everything he says is intentional and thought provoking. He's a biblical scholar who thinks the bible is a load of crap. I'm still trying to figure out why someone who doesn't believe in a word it says would want to spend his life studying it. I guess there's a lot of them out there though.

What I'm seeing is that I'm finally having to struggle inside myself to really figure out if I believe it to be true or not. I'm so glad I've decided to take this class, not because I want to be persuaded out of my former beliefs but because I'm seeing another side of it all. I'm finding that my beliefs still drive everything I say and think and do, no matter what the situation. I may not be living things out but deep inside things are still there. No matter how much evidence and persuasion I am getting in my class against the Bible as truth I can't get away from the nagging in my spirit that says it is. I read the words, I study the words, and I listen to the words, whether they are completely historically true or not has no relevance for me to the truth of God.

Now whether I agree with God, whether I'm angry with him and want nothing to do with him, that's a whole different story. But is he real? I can't get away from Him and so I have to conclude He is.

A New Year, A New Day, A New Beginning

2009-01-06T11:39:00.000-08:00

Well it's 2009 and I can hardly believe 2008 is blown by us already. It's been a year of change, recognition, redemption, and love. I have really enjoyed this past year, it's been hard but very good for me. The start of my nursing program has been the biggest accomplishment in my life because it is me walking out my dreams.

On another note, with 2009 comes new resolutions. You know the ones people make and never keep? Yeah those are what I'm talking about, but along with the resolution comes the resolution to keep your resolution. Just a long winding road but the resolutions always bring you one step closer to what it is you want to achieve so I don't discredit them. Dream, and resolute to your hears desire.

For me I decided to take a step closer to a healthy me. Healthy in every way, spiritually by beginning to see myself as a whole person directly connected to God; mentally by really engaging in my studies; emotionally by letting myself feel again; and physically by lifestyle changes in diet and exercise. I'm really excited to see where this resolution takes me. What I am even more excited about is that I am embarking on a journey with my mom and my sister.

My sister was my hero growing up, I liked everything she liked and wanted to do everything she did. I treated her kids as my own and they are still a huge part of who I am today, but as I grew up and life took us both on very different paths we grew apart. My mom has always been a vital part of my life, she read to me, nurtured me and was there for me in every way she knew how and I am so grateful for who she has been in my life.

We are doing our own "Biggest Loser" and although we're miles apart its something that we can do together and celebrate together. I'm so very excited to have a new chapter with my sister and my mom and my prayer is that this would bring us closer than ever.

A New Perspective

2008-12-29T20:41:00.000-08:00

I have been having a wonderful visit home for Christmas. One of my best yet I think. I have been able to see everyone I wanted to see and also be able to spend adequate time with my parents. A balance I have never been able to achieve while being home.

The past 3 or so weeks I have had an increasing feeling that my life is in constant change and motion. No matter how much I believe that I am all settled down life is constantly changing and moving and I am constantly feeling like I'm being left behind. Balance has been something I have always desired but something I have never been able to grasp or live out.

There are so many things that I have processed or begun processing lately and I am once again left wondering where am I in the midst of this life? I mean I am right here but in the search of trying to find myself have I only hid myself thinking that it was really me? And if that's the case what was I hiding from or rather WHO was I hiding from?

After reading the novel "The Shack" I have a deeper understanding of who God is in the midst of my life right now and this new understanding is making it easier for me to once again approach the throne of my Father. I am slowly walking towards him one baby step at a time and although it's scary for me right now I know that He is my Redeemer.

He is touching my soul, holding my hand, and whispering in my ear and I am learning to recognize his presence. He is so good, so merciful, so gracious, so gentle, so patient, so loving, and so much more. I am in awe of Him, and his forgiveness in my life.

My prayer for this year is that I would begin to face my demons, to fight the thorn in my flesh and face myself. Would you join me in an incredible journey and adventure?

THE SHACK

2008-12-21T21:13:00.000-08:00

I'm currently reading a book that is turning my entire universe on its head. It is transforming my world with each word. It has been a long time since I have read a book that has had such an impact on my soul. I am finally coming to a place where I feel ok with stepping into the love of God and this book is ushering me in deeper.

I had an idea that in order to be loved by God again, to feel Him again I needed to make drastic life changes. I now see He has never left and never will and that He still works through every movement, every word and every decision in my life.

If you get the chance read "The Shack" by WM. Paul Young let it transform your own theology.

2008-12-16T18:55:00.000-08:00

1 Broken Car
1 Missing Boyfriend
1 Broken Stove
= a very bad week

Looking forward to the end of it, and going home for Christmas.

Update Much?

2008-12-13T19:18:00.000-08:00

I have been on a whirlwind the past month.

1) Stressing over Zoology thinking I needed a C to pass the class. Today I found out a D is a passing grade. I'm good for that

2) Writing papers in an entirely different format and style than what I'm used to.

3) Adjusting to being alone for a while because Carlos is suffering Saskatchewan weather for money.

In the midst of it all I've been learning more about myself. While I was studying, writing papers, reading etc. I found that I was constantly drawn to Facebook. I used to love Facebook but the more I used it the more I found distaste in it. I realized that I was using Facebook as a conversation starter, "oh did you see that so and so is doing this and that?" I would spend stupid amounts of time writing on people's walls, "we should definitely get together". I would make sure that every single picture I took was posted. In the midst of studying for Zoology, though, I got fed up. I went and deleted it! I couldn't believe what I was doing, Facebook is so "in" what was I thinking? I was thinking that friendships don't flourish on Facebook, but rumors do, I was thinking that I'm desperately longing for a friendship that isn't grounded, rooted, and relying on Facebook. I want to be real and I'm afraid that doesn't really happen on Facebook. That's ok with me though, I'm fine without it and I'm surprised to feel a relief with not having it. I feel like I cut 40 pounds off my back.

Now on to being alone. I've always thought of myself as a very independent person, and in fact I was a very independent person. Since I've been with Carlos though I find that I rely on him for things that I used to do all by myself, things I wouldn't even think twice about. I've never noticed it so clearly as this last week. Saturday night/Sunday morning I was woken up with the most excruciating pain in my chest. I layed in bed and just cried because I didn't know what else to do. I wanted someone there to hug me and make me feel better or take me to the hospital if need be. I layed there thinking I'm all alone right now, there is absolutely no one around, what would I do if it was more serious? I don't have family here, and I barely have any good friends anymore. If I have ever said I felt lonely before I take it back because that is the loneliest I have ever felt. Then this morning my car gets stuck at 6:30 am, I have an exam to get to, and no one around to help me. I almost had a nervous break down. Then after my exam I was so elated about how it went and I automatically thought to call Carlos but couldn't, and again felt alone.

I don't write all this to make you feel sorry for me. Instead I write it to say that in the midst of my temporary loneliness I have never felt so blessed to have someone who is there for me no matter what. I have never felt so much like I was made for him and he was made for me than I have this week. I have never been so reassured of something like I have this week. I know that goes against a lot of beliefs because we live together. Seriously though it doesn't even matter. We fit and we love, and we live, and we laugh. There is nothing like it.

Hope of a nation

2008-11-09T17:08:00.000-08:00

Barack Obama.....

I don't care who you are, what you believe in, who you voted for or would have voted for, there is no way you can deny that this man is powerful. There is something about this man that has ignited my soul again, his rhetoric, his faith, his hope, his love. When this all began so long ago with Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama going head to head I said time and time again Obama will win. At that point I didn't know much about him, I didn't know what he stood for, and I had absolutely no idea the impact he would have, but I knew it would be him.

Everything I see on TV, everything I watch on You Tube brings me to tears. It's really taken me by surprise because I have been numb for so long to everything. I watch the United States come together in unity. I see young people rising up, calling for change and believing it can happen. Not only believing it can happen but wanting to be a part of that. No longer are they filled with apathy, but they are rising. I know a lot of people feel that Obama could in fact be the one to bring the world crashing down. They think because Oprah Winfrey endorses Obama (and of course she must be the anti-Christ) then Obama must have a part in destroying the Earth.

Yet when I look and observe at what is going on around me; in the US, in Canada and in fact all over the world as people everywhere, from every race, and every background celebrate the victory of President Elect Barack Obama we are coming together. It gives me incredible hope for this nation, for this world, and for this church. Could what is going on in US in fact be a foreshadowing of what the church will become? There are no arguments, and there are no claims of perfection, there is a humble claim that "WE can." Not I, not YOU, but WE. Could the church really unite like this, could we put all of our differences aside and agree that the only thing that matters is HIM and HIS will on this Earth. Not our own selfish desires, or ideals about how the church should be, or how the people in the church should be. It's about HIM. I will hold onto that, I will run with that, and I will seek him, and I will pray for Obama because I know, I sense, that change is very close on the horizon and great things are about to happen.

Let me make it clear that I don't think of Obama as "the new messiah." I do believe that God can and will use him and I am eagerly awaiting the outcome of that.

Go to Youtube and watch

"American Prayer"
"Yes We Can"
We Are the Ones"

I think you will be moved

The change of a Nation??

2008-11-06T19:58:00.000-08:00

The following are excerpts from Barack Obama's speech give on Tuesday. It is a speech that touched me, and I'm still pondering. For now I just want to post this, later will come my thoughts. Enjoy, and don't read it as you know it to be, read it with fresh eyes.

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled – Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

It’s the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and he’s fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.

I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last sixteen years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation’s next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the White House. And while she’s no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to – it belongs to you.

I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn’t start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington – it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.

It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and ten dollars and twenty dollars to this cause. It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation’s apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organized, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth. This is your victory.

You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime – two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century. Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they’ll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor’s bills, or save enough for college. There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but America – I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you – we as a people will get there.

There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree with every decision or policy I make as President, and we know that government can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree. And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it’s been done in America for two-hundred and twenty-one years – block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.

So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other. Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it’s that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers – in this country, we rise or fall as one nation; as one people.

Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House – a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity. Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, “We are not enemies, but friends…though passion may have strained it must not break our bonds of affection.” And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn – I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your President too.

Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn’t vote for two reasons – because she was a woman and because of the color of her skin.

And tonight, I think about all that she’s seen throughout her century in America – the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can’t, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

At a time when women’s voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

When the bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that “We Shall Overcome.” Yes we can.

A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

Hold my Hand

2008-10-30T19:20:00.000-07:00

How honest can you get in a blog? Cause tonight I need some good writing time. Hence why I stopped importing my blog to facebook. I don't really feel like being vulnerable the the whole world. So if you found this Kudos to you, but I made it hard for you to find so you are not allowed to be offended, cause the contents of this blog may offend you. You have been sufficiently warned.

I've been feeling more lonely than ever before. I mean I have an amazing boyfriend who I fall more in love with every single day. He supports me like no other, and he is my sanity. And I have 6 friends who have really loved me through everything and for them I am so thankful.

The more I reflect, the more I look back the more lonely I feel. I feel like I've been left on the side. I feel like when I was struggling the most in my life no one saw me. Now when I've made the decisions I've made people see me but they're scared to look. I was talking with my friend Greg about a year ago and I said I was scared that when people found out the decisions I had made that I would be "cast out" like a leper in the OT. My biggest fear has come true. I have been cast out, and maybe people don't want to admit it, maybe they don't want to look it in the face but it's blatantly obvious.

I'm dealing with it, I hope.

The thing that really frustrates me the most is that the one's who have cast me out are the one's who really want to make differences in the world. They're out there loving people they don't know but they can't even love the ones they do.

All my life I've been trying to impress people, trying to live up to standards placed on me, in fear that if I didn't no one would be around me. When it was too much to take I made a decision to stop, to start over, to find out who I really am. It was then that my fears proved to be true. I've had the initial conversation with everyone,

"So what's up? Where are you? I've been hearing things..."

"Yeah, I'm living with my boyfriend...."

"ooh, well I know this isn't you, you are not this person, but I love you"

And with the end of those conversations were the end of friendships. Even the people I really tried to keep in contact with, it was to no avail. They didn't even think to ask why? What happened, what's going on?

What is love? Are people capable of loving through sin? If you really knew what was going on in everyone's lives could you love them? Or do they have to pass a certain amount of criteria before you can love them? Do you prefer to have blind eyes so that you aren't tainted? Can you be associated with someone who sins daily?

Where is the church? Why are people not wanting to go? Why is everyone getting hurt by the church?

Because the church is full of people. People who have ideals about how the world should be. They sit and dream about what is should be, could be like. In the meantime they pass by what's really going on. The fact is that the Kingdom of God is NOW but not yet. Why is no one focusing on the NOW?

You have preconceptions and if people don't fit those preconceptions you pretend they are no longer there. I have become invisible and that hurts like nothing else can. It pierces the deepest parts of my heart, the places that were already shattered are now crushed into a powder, impossible to re-form.

I'm praying, I'm believing, I'm hoping that God is still my salvation, that I still have something to hold onto. Everyday those get a little bit smaller because I really can't be associated with a group like what I see in the church now. At the same time I don't know if I can hold on without the church.

Speaking to Me

2008-10-25T10:25:00.000-07:00

I was listening to some old school Tracy Chapman this morning, only to find that every word she sang resonated in my heart and soul. Here's some of what's been speaking to me:

Crossroads

All you folks think you own my life
But you never made any sacrifice
Demons they are on my trail
I'm standing at the crossroads of the hell
I look to the left I look to the right
There're hands that grab me on every side

All you folks think I got my price
At which I'll sell all that is mine
You think money rules when all else fails
Go sell your soul and keep your shell
I'm trying to protect what I keep inside
All the reasons why I live my life

Some say the devil be a mystical thing
I say the devil he a walking man
He a fool he a liar conjurer and a thief
He try to tell you what you want
Try to tell you what you need

Standing at the point
The road it cross you down
What is at your back
Which way do you turn
Who will come to find you first
Your devils or your gods

All you folks think you run my life
Say I should be willing to comprimise
I say all you demons go back to hell
I'll save my soul save myself

Bridges

All the bridges that you burn
Come back one day to haunt you
One day you'll find you're walking
Lonely...

...But all my ghosts they find me
Like my past they think they own me
In dreams and dark corners they surround me
Till I cry I cry

Let me take this time to set the record straight
Let me take this time to take it all back
Let me take this time to tell you how I felt
Let me take this time to try and make it right

But you can
Walk away
Be all alone
Spend all your time
Thinking about the way things used to be
If love feels right
You work it out
You don't give it up
Baby...

...You should take some time maybe sleep on it tonight
You should take some time baby heed the words I said
You should take some time think about your life
You should take some time before you throw it all away...

Freedom Now

They throwed him in jail
And they kept him there
Hoping soo he'd die
That his body and spirit would waste away
And soon after that his mind

But every day is born a fool
One who thinks that he can rule
One who says tomorrow's mine
One who wakes one day to find

The prison doors open the shackles broken
And chaos in the street
Everybody sing we're free free free free
Everybody sing we're free free free free
Everybody sing we're free free free free

They throwed him in jail
And they kept him there
Hoping his memory'd die
That the people forget how he once led
And fought for justice in their lives

But every day is born a man
Who hates what he can't understand
Who thinks the answer is to kill
Who thinks his actions are god's will

And he thinks he's free free free free
Yes he thinks he's free free free free
He thinks he's free free free free

Soon must come the day
When the righteous have their way
Unjustly tried are free
And people live in peace I say
Give the man release
Go on and set your conscience free
Right the wrongs you made
Even a fool can have his day

Let us all be free free free free
Let us all be free free free free
Let us all be free free free free

Free our bodies free our minds
Free our hearts
Freedom for everyone
And freedom now
Freedom now
Freedom now
Freedom now

Let us all be free free free free
Let us all be free free free free
Let us all be free free free free

Tracy's speaking truth into my life and soul, who's speaking to you?

Evolution

2008-10-23T06:37:00.000-07:00

So I don't have time to sit down and write a whole lengthy post, but my complete and utter astonishment has led me to jot down a few things.

In a lot of my classes there is an underlying assumption that we have evolved. Every single thing on this Earth has evolved from one organism. The more I hear about it and learn about it the more I find it completely and utterly ridiculous. Even in my Bio class where the first weeks were all about evolution there was absolutely no concrete evidence to really show me that anything they were saying was true. I'll admit we come close to the structure physiologically and anatomically to monkeys but that alone doesn't convince me that we were all derived from one female in Africa (this was an actual statement given in my bio class). Remember that none of this is actually proven. Even in my texts most of statements are started with "It is believed..." showing that nothing in this book is real actual truth.

I don't understand how anyone could really believe this after studying anatomy extensively. How did all of these incredibly intricate things that happen in our body (believe me they are incredibly complex) evolve from one prokaryote. And another thing, my Zoology professor always makes passing comments like "back when we were fish" and he's completely serious and doesn't even take a second breath when saying it, anyways he always says "we were designed". How can we evolve from nothing yet be designed?? Don't you need a designer to have a design? I've never heard of anything being invented or designed without something else doing the inventing or designing. Ridiculous... completely.

Anyways I often sit in class and chuckle at it all but at the same time I have to actually study all this crap in order to pass my tests. And I'm paying 500 dollars per class to have this filth taught.

small plate large serving

2008-10-03T06:08:00.000-07:00

Here's my morning entry because I'm avoiding studying.

Why am I avoiding studying?

Simply because I am overwhelmed.

I find that when I'm overwhelmed I just feel like shutting down. When I'm stressed out everything seems wrong and nothing seems appealing. Not that studying is really appealing but the grade after studying is appealing.

I'm just realizing now how much I am actually stressing. It's a really weird feeling to me, I've never been one to stress. I've always been the laid back, relaxed, "everything's going to be ok" type of girl. Yet here I am writing a blog about essentially nothing all in an attempt to de-stress.

There could be a number of possibilities of why I am so stressed out, or rather why I am finding myself a lot more stressed than I have ever been in my life. I kind of feel like I have way to much on my plate, but there's nothing I can do to make it lighter. I just have to suck it up and eat what's been put in front of me.

Reminds me of when I was in England and they give you these ginormous (side note: isn't it funny that ginormous is actually a word in the dictionary? There's no red underline telling me it's wrong... strange...) servings of food, mostly carbohydrates. The food was good, pretty typical but the servings were just too much, and you couldn't leave food on your plate because that would be rude. Hence why we all came back heavier than when we left. Anyways life has given me a ginormous serving and I just have to continue to live it because there is no other choice.

Despite my stress I'm still enjoying it all. I just wish I knew how to motivate myself to keep going instead of avoiding.

Till next week...

Ramblings of a frustrated student

2008-10-02T06:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not really sure what I want to write today. I just know that in the midst of homework, work, and home life I need an out. Something to relax me, something to make me step back and take a real look at life. The past year I've failed miserably at writing, probably because when I write I find truth. Truth about the world, truth about God, and most horrifying; truth about myself.

It's time to face it though, on an ongoing basis, I need to do it or I'm going to go crazy. Well I'm in the last part of my fourth week of classes at the University of Calgary. Wow I am a University student... WHAT THE!?!? It's true that dreams can come true. The biggest dream of my life is now in effect, wow.....

But things don't always go exactly how you want them too. There always seems to be a hook somewhere, something to make life harder than you thought it would be. For me it's having to work at the same time as go to school. I thought I would be able to do this no problem, was I ever WRONG! It's killing me, slowly but surely. By the time I get home either after work or after school I have to tidy up (cause Lord knows I CANNOT study in a mess) then I have to get supper ready, then I eat, then I clean up supper and then it's 7:30 and I have at least 3 hours of homework and reading to do each night, and that is the bare minimum, not including study time which is absolutely necessary in order to pass these classes. But I NEVER get it all done because I'm so exhausted that I physically can't open another book. I had no idea nursing was such an intense and tough course, it really wouldn't have changed my decision had I known, but it would have been nice to prepare for it. I've been sick for a week, still getting over it but I really doubt that's going to happen soon. This is definitely the hardest thing physically, emotionally, mentally, that I have ever done in my life. It's all thanks to the Alberta Government who gave me 160.00 for a student loan.... thanks a lot, I'll pay you back with my next paycheque. There is no words to describe my frustration.

The government wants/NEEDS more nurses, more doctors, more EVERYTHING yet they are not willing to put the money into good education. Instead they are producing students who are constantly fatigued, who can barely keep themselves going, who can barely make it to class, yet who have to work in order to do so. It makes absolutely no sense to me. They encourage you to work while your in school, well I have two jobs in order to be able to live, and I don't know how long I can last. Dumb government.

I think I'll stop complaining now and try to look on the bright side of life. Things I am grateful for: A wonderful boyfriend who supports me through everything, who helps when he can and believes in me. He pushes me, challenges me, and inspires me to be the best; to know that it's just a leg in the journey and not the whole journey. My parents who believe in me and help me to keep going, they are the ones who listen and give advice when I feel like my world is falling apart. I'm grateful for education, for the ability to learn and to achieve dreams.

Till next time....

Faith and Christ

2008-07-01T17:17:00.000-07:00

The following is an excerpt from a letter I wrote to a friend. He asked me how/why I know Christ is real, and how I justify having faith in the unseen. Here is my answer:

My life this year has been such an adventure, and it hasn't all been good. Apart from my last year on Lifeforce it's been the hardest year of my life, and most self destructive. I've been running from God hard and fast deliberately. To be completely honest I have no real rational reason for why I have done that, for why I consciously chose it. It seems very stupid and irrational from the "Christian" point of view. To all my friends and those around me it's irresponsible and impossible to understand. I can tell you this though, I have learned more about myself and my God then I would have ever learned if this year had not happened.

I have learned that God is real, even if I don't want him to be. I have learned that His Son has kept me and even when I wanted nothing to do with him he stuck by me. Somebody once told me in times of doubt to always go back to that first revelation, when you first knew God was real. So now looking back on my life I see that faith in Christ really did save my life, not only eternally but physically. The downward spiral I have taken this year could have happened when I was 15, I actually know it would have happened if I had never came to the realization of Christ when I was 14. The difference being that I would have died by the time I was 18 guaranteed, it would have been much worse. Even this year, if I didn't have my life, and my conscience rooted in Christ I would be in a much worse place. I tried to sever that root to no avail. That is the first reason I can justify having faith, as well as why I know Christ is real.

I have learned that I really am a wicked person, that aside from God I really have nothing. I know this because I voluntarily stripped myself of my faith, trying to live apart from what I knew was true, and I was miserable. I sank into a sort of depression, I couldn't see a point in living. I wasn't suicidal but I came to the critical point of realization of God's grace and mercy, and I knew that there really was more to life than just living to live. That God is real and always will be despite what I wish was true. The depth of my misery at that point lets me justify that Faith is a good thing.

Things like getting jobs that I am not qualified for, having money when there's really no way that finances should work out, having an undeniable pull in my life towards faith and Christ in every way possible, makes it impossible for me to not have faith and to not believe Christ is real.

Even getting into the Nursing program at the U of C has proven Christ's reality to me. I've known for a long time that Nursing was my calling, but I put it off for so long, and almost put it off for another year. It's a really hard program to get into anywhere and I got in. I know it's God's plan for my life.

As much as I turn away is as much as Christ and Faith is proven to be real and right.

The Journey to the Real Me!

2008-06-02T16:42:00.000-07:00

This is the first excerpt from my new blog www.losingthethoughtofme.blogspot.com where I will be posting regularly, please feel free to read it and come with me on a journey.

I will still be posting here as well!

Lately I have been motivated. Motivation is something that's been very absent from my life the last while. I was wondering if I was destined to live my life apathetic and feeling lifeless. I'm not really sure what clicked/changed in the last little bit, maybe a nudge from God, maybe a frustration with myself regardless here I am feeling alive and motivated; what a blessing!

I have a running track that I work out to. It's basically just upbeat music specifically designed for runners with the occasional lyric interruption. One of the lyrics says,

Are you alive, yes I am
Are you alive, I am indeed

Every time I hear that I get a feeling like there's is so much more to being "alive"

And so with that I have decided if I want more to life I have to be the igniter. That is what this blog is all about. It's about losing who/what I thought I should be and finding who/what I really am.

I have said that a lot in my life but I've always been too lazy to go ahead and do it. But in the midst of finding myself I have decided to stop procrastinating, that journey is going well so far, a lot of thanks to my boyfriend Carlos, who lacks some patience!

So this blog is going to record my journey to a healthy balanced lifestyle. Currently I have no balance, I honestly go from one extreme to the next which makes me feel like I'm drowning in a world of chaos. So my first step to being healthy and balanced is eating healthy and exercising. I'm doing it for a lot of reasons, I need to lose weight (30lbs), I need to be healthy to live the rest of my life healthily, I want to treat my body with some respect.

A healthy lifestyle is not just eating and exercising though. It's about emotions, mind, and spirit to. So as I journey I'm going to examine my emotions, bring my mind under control, and search for God once again.

One big thing I've had to overcome is the thought of NOW. I want to see results NOW, I don't want to wait for change. I'm coming to realize that this is a lifelong change and I'm just going to have to have A LOT of patience. And I need some accountability which is the biggest reason for my blog. Even if no one reads it I know it's here and I'm going to post regularly.

So off I go to get a new bed then to the gym whether I like the thought of it or not!!

Ciao!

So small....

2008-05-14T09:03:00.000-07:00

Well I have had a wonderful week of catching up with old friends and being encouraged. I love when that happens and it's not happening nearly as often as it used to for me. That's really just a side note.

I was driving to work today and the news came on the radio, they were talking about the big cyclone that hit Burma last week (I think that's when it happened). They were talking about how many people had died, as far as they knew and the estimated number who were now homeless.... in the millions! I was so overwhelmed, I think more overwhelmed than I have ever been. Millions of people homeless.... how in the world can people help them? They are just starting to allow some international help, and I heard yesterday that only 20 percent of the international aid that is being sent is being allowed in the country, and no aid workers are allowed in yet. It's always been my dream to obtain a career where I will be able to help people, more specifically help the very less fortunate in other countries. Now since dating an African who comes from the top five poorest countries in the world I am even more driven to do so. Hearing stories of how medicine costs a fortune, and babies are very prone to sickness but usually parish because of the cost of medicine. If only I could go now....

But as I listened to the radio this morning I couldn't help but think "who is one person?" What can I possibly do to help, I am only one person, one person who is incredibly flawed, more so than I ever thought actually. I wondered how my dream will play out and will it ever make a difference? I see disaster falling all around us, the cyclone in Burma, and probably one more on the way in a few more days, then the Earthquake in China... will the madness ever stop? I doubt it. Are we destined for disaster? Are we being punished, or are our eyes being opened? How big is God really? Can He solve this? And what is our part in it all.

My boyfriend has a saying in his langauge, "Deus I Grande" It means God is bigger. We as a couple hold onto that saying every day, and repeat again and again. Carlos constantly reminds me that nothing is impossible with God. When I am filled with doubt, will I get that job, will I be able to work my way through University?, Will I actually get into University?, Will I be able to fulfill my dreams? Will this tough time ever pass... With that he responds "I Na Passa, Deus I Grande" It will pass because God is bigger. God is bigger than what? Then my present situation, then my feelings of despair, then my debt, then anything I can imagine, He simply is bigger. But as I drove to work reflecting on not my present situation but the world's present situation. The Lord's Resistance Army in Northern Uganda and Southern Sudan, The degrading of women in Islam usually by female circumcision and other brutalities in places like Somalia and Egypt, The war on "terror" (AKA the Oil War) in Afghanastan and Iraq. There's so much more, what are we to do? Is God really bigger than all of this?? What about the thousands of Immigrants in Canada who are denied medical attention because they don't yet have their residency and can't afford to pay for all the procedures, they try to make a better life but are refused of that because they weren't born here. What is going on with us? And who will help us all?

Were we not all made in the same image? Are we not all loved with the same unconditional love? Yet we take everything forgranted in this country, and many other countries. We look around the world and see despair, yet close our eyes to our own despair. When will change happen? How will it happen? I admit I am full of doubt, doubt that God is really bigger than this all, doubt in human kind, but in the end I am forced to go to my foundation. The foundation of my life that I once thought could no longer sustain my brutality to it, I am realizing that this foundation is indestructable. It is the only thing in the world that can never be destroyed. I will try and hold on to Him, and I will repeat to myself "I Na Passa, Deus I Grande." He is here even when we are blind, and He will come through.

Your Name...

2008-03-02T13:07:00.000-08:00

I'm conflicted all the time. At every waking moment of my life right now I'm conflicted. Do I give up, give in, run to , run from, hide, or reveal myself, talk or stay silent, listen or tune out. I've been running for a long time now, knowing that I needed to surrender. Yet in my running I've built this life around me that is now my entire life. Does surrendering mean I need to change my life once again? Or will God use me where I am? Will He use what's left of me, battered, bruised and confused? Or will He demand me change before I come to his throne again?

I was thinking this through in church. It was the first church service I had been in in a very very long time. As I was thinking I was struck by the though of when I first came to the throne. I was anything but perfect, my life wasn't beautiful, and it wasn't all together. It was a mess, almost like now only in a much different way. Regardless, that's what made it such a wonderful and beautiful thing, I wasn't perfect, yet I was accepted AS IS. All around me people have seen my life transformation, one which most do not agree, and I will not try and justify it, but they accepted me AS IS. Yet when it came to the thought of God I thought I needed to change everything before I could come back to Him. This morning I don't know if I heard God's voice, or if it was just a moment of clarity, there's probably no difference between the two. But I knew then that it was time to come back. I know that I can't do it in my own strength,

AS MORNING DAWNS AND EVENING FADES
YOU INSPIRE SONGS OF PRAISE
THAT RISE FROM EARTH TO TOUCH YOUR HEART
AND GLORIFY YOUR NAME

YOUR NAME IS A STRONG AND MIGHTY TOWER
YOUR NAME IS A SHELTER LIKE NO OTHER
YOUR NAME LET THE NATIONS SING IT LOUDER
CAUSE NOTHING HAS THE POWER TO SAVE BUT YOUR NAME

JESUS IN YOUR NAME WE PRAY
COME AND FILL OUR HEARTS TODAY
LORD GIVE US STRENGTH TO LIVE FOR YOU
AND GLORIFY YOUR NAME

YOUR NAME IS A STRONG AND MIGHTY TOWER
YOUR NAME IS A SHELTER LIKE NO OTHER
YOUR NAME LET THE NATIONS SING IT LOUDER
CAUSE NOTHING HAS THE POWER TO SAVE BUT YOUR NAME

It was during this song that it really hit me. We aren't called to be perfect. We are called to live for him, along the way we will make mistakes and disappoint. God loves us though, He loved us when He knew the things we would do. I know He's called me for a reason, He wouldn't have called me for a certain amount of time and then given up on me, and I will continue to search for him. Whatever that brings is good with me, but for now I just bask in His love because that's what matters.

There's still things that I need to work out, there's still hurt and bitterness that I need to figure out and let go. I need my life to be His.

Time, Grace, and Busyness

2008-02-02T16:22:00.000-08:00

Amazing Grace
John Newton

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

Time is a precious thing, I think it's something that most people take forgranted. It's something that's lost and can never be brought back. Something that once used up can never be recharged. Looking back at the past six months I see how I've wasted my time away. Some people say six months isn't a very long time, but as I look back it seems like an eternity. So many changes have happened, and they seemed to happen without my knowledge. It's like I was outside of my body watching time go by with no control over how I used my time.

People use time as an excuse.
"I have no time"
"Time ran out before I knew it"
"I just lost track of time"
And so many more. I know for the past six months I have been using time as an excuse. And even now I continue to use it as an excuse. I feel so busy, like my head will explode if I do anything else outside of work and sleep.

Busyness has got me to this place. I forgot about life and just worked until I became so busy that life forgot about me. Luckily grace has never left my side. Yeah I've made a lot of mistakes, maybe more mistakes and the most impactful mistakes of my entire life. I hang my head in shame. I used busyness and time as an excuse to forget about God, and my friends. What a sad statement. But as I was talking to a friend of mine over the phone she made a statement, almost in passing, but she said,
"I really beleive God is in every part of our lives"

I almost came to tears when she said that. Another friend reminded me that mistakes are not my identity. Profound statements that are turning my life around, the grace of God through the words of my friends. I was allowing my mistakes to define my life, and through that I was losing my life. Even now I have to fight for that which I know is truth. God loves me and is STILL with me EVEN NOW. I desire that part of my life back. I am going to start to fight.

Thank you to my friends who will never give up on. Thank you for fighting on my behalf, thank you for loving me when I couldn't love myself.

It's time

2008-02-01T08:31:00.000-08:00

It's time....

For something new
For something renewed
For something to come to life
For us to come to life

To rethink the old
To come back to reality
To look towards the goal
To awaken the sleeping

I came back
I loved again
I laughed again
I cried again

It's time....

The beginning of unraveling.....

2007-09-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

Wow....

I have taken a much longer break from writing than I once intended. These last 3-4 months have been ones that have shown me who I really am, aside from what those around me think, aside from what I wish I could be, aside from all the lies that form. I have had the hardest summer of my life, but one which I know was necessary and vital for my life. Where in the midst of it I hated it, I wanted out, I wanted an easy way out. It was a scary place to be facing myself, my insecurities, my lack of things I wish I had, my life....

I have decided to continue writing because it is the one place I feel safe. Safe to express myself, safe to love, safe to live, safe to explore the confusion of my mind.

I find myself feeling a lot of antisocial and claustrophobic lately. I feel I am coming to a place where I just need space from people. I need to figure out my life without the public eye on me. I'm sick of people calling me because "they heard something from someone," and that someone that they heard things from did not talk to me about the things they are speaking to others. I feel like I need out, out of the close knit circle which I have resided. I love my friends, I love who they are in my life, I love what they have given me, I love spending time with them and knowing them, and I would never wish them out of my life. So now I'm contradicting myself, on one side I want to be left alone to live my life, I want freedom from the critical eye of the church and my circle, I want to be trusted to do the right thing. Yet on the other side I want to keep my friends close. Is there a balance acheivable here??

I am learning that the church is my family. Growing up I was never close with my real family, we never kept real good tabs on each other. Even my parents let me do basically whatever I wanted. Now that I am in the church family and wanting that freedom I had with my parents as a teenager I can't get it. Maybe it's a good thing, maybe just maybe that's the way the church is really supposed to be. Right now though, I don't want it to be that. I want to be invisible, I want to be kept safe in the arms of my father, I want a little bit of privacy, I want to live my life.... I want my life to be between me and my God who is the only one who can judge me on judgement day.

I am re-learning my faith in the real world with real people and real struggles. It's tough, I'm not part of any Christian organization, I rarely am able to make it to church, I rarely see my Christian friends, and I'm faced with new struggles each day. This is the excitement of my faith, can I stay strong even when most of my supports are not easily accessible? It's a question I am faced with each minute of my day, one which the answer changes every minute. In the midst of it though God is still loving me. Even when I know my unworthiness, even when I screw up the same thing day after day, even when I'm answering the questions wrong, even when I'm completely ignoring Him in my life, even when I am the most wicked of persons, even when the struggles of my youth come back to haunt me, even when I don't know Him; His grace is sufficient for my life. No one can save me but Him, and He is the one I must cling to.

My God and my Salvation, you alone are worthy, and to you I committ myself......