Hold my Hand

How honest can you get in a blog? Cause tonight I need some good writing time. Hence why I stopped importing my blog to facebook. I don't really feel like being vulnerable the the whole world. So if you found this Kudos to you, but I made it hard for you to find so you are not allowed to be offended, cause the contents of this blog may offend you. You have been sufficiently warned.

I've been feeling more lonely than ever before. I mean I have an amazing boyfriend who I fall more in love with every single day. He supports me like no other, and he is my sanity. And I have 6 friends who have really loved me through everything and for them I am so thankful.

The more I reflect, the more I look back the more lonely I feel. I feel like I've been left on the side. I feel like when I was struggling the most in my life no one saw me. Now when I've made the decisions I've made people see me but they're scared to look. I was talking with my friend Greg about a year ago and I said I was scared that when people found out the decisions I had made that I would be "cast out" like a leper in the OT. My biggest fear has come true. I have been cast out, and maybe people don't want to admit it, maybe they don't want to look it in the face but it's blatantly obvious.

I'm dealing with it, I hope.

The thing that really frustrates me the most is that the one's who have cast me out are the one's who really want to make differences in the world. They're out there loving people they don't know but they can't even love the ones they do.

All my life I've been trying to impress people, trying to live up to standards placed on me, in fear that if I didn't no one would be around me. When it was too much to take I made a decision to stop, to start over, to find out who I really am. It was then that my fears proved to be true. I've had the initial conversation with everyone,

"So what's up? Where are you? I've been hearing things..."

"Yeah, I'm living with my boyfriend...."

"ooh, well I know this isn't you, you are not this person, but I love you"

And with the end of those conversations were the end of friendships. Even the people I really tried to keep in contact with, it was to no avail. They didn't even think to ask why? What happened, what's going on?

What is love? Are people capable of loving through sin? If you really knew what was going on in everyone's lives could you love them? Or do they have to pass a certain amount of criteria before you can love them? Do you prefer to have blind eyes so that you aren't tainted? Can you be associated with someone who sins daily?

Where is the church? Why are people not wanting to go? Why is everyone getting hurt by the church?

Because the church is full of people. People who have ideals about how the world should be. They sit and dream about what is should be, could be like. In the meantime they pass by what's really going on. The fact is that the Kingdom of God is NOW but not yet. Why is no one focusing on the NOW?

You have preconceptions and if people don't fit those preconceptions you pretend they are no longer there. I have become invisible and that hurts like nothing else can. It pierces the deepest parts of my heart, the places that were already shattered are now crushed into a powder, impossible to re-form.

I'm praying, I'm believing, I'm hoping that God is still my salvation, that I still have something to hold onto. Everyday those get a little bit smaller because I really can't be associated with a group like what I see in the church now. At the same time I don't know if I can hold on without the church.

Speaking to Me

I was listening to some old school Tracy Chapman this morning, only to find that every word she sang resonated in my heart and soul. Here's some of what's been speaking to me:

Crossroads

All you folks think you own my life
But you never made any sacrifice
Demons they are on my trail
I'm standing at the crossroads of the hell
I look to the left I look to the right
There're hands that grab me on every side

All you folks think I got my price
At which I'll sell all that is mine
You think money rules when all else fails
Go sell your soul and keep your shell
I'm trying to protect what I keep inside
All the reasons why I live my life

Some say the devil be a mystical thing
I say the devil he a walking man
He a fool he a liar conjurer and a thief
He try to tell you what you want
Try to tell you what you need

Standing at the point
The road it cross you down
What is at your back
Which way do you turn
Who will come to find you first
Your devils or your gods

All you folks think you run my life
Say I should be willing to comprimise
I say all you demons go back to hell
I'll save my soul save myself

Bridges

All the bridges that you burn
Come back one day to haunt you
One day you'll find you're walking
Lonely...

...But all my ghosts they find me
Like my past they think they own me
In dreams and dark corners they surround me
Till I cry I cry

Let me take this time to set the record straight
Let me take this time to take it all back
Let me take this time to tell you how I felt
Let me take this time to try and make it right

But you can
Walk away
Be all alone
Spend all your time
Thinking about the way things used to be
If love feels right
You work it out
You don't give it up
Baby...

...You should take some time maybe sleep on it tonight
You should take some time baby heed the words I said
You should take some time think about your life
You should take some time before you throw it all away...

Freedom Now

They throwed him in jail
And they kept him there
Hoping soo he'd die
That his body and spirit would waste away
And soon after that his mind

But every day is born a fool
One who thinks that he can rule
One who says tomorrow's mine
One who wakes one day to find

The prison doors open the shackles broken
And chaos in the street
Everybody sing we're free free free free
Everybody sing we're free free free free
Everybody sing we're free free free free

They throwed him in jail
And they kept him there
Hoping his memory'd die
That the people forget how he once led
And fought for justice in their lives

But every day is born a man
Who hates what he can't understand
Who thinks the answer is to kill
Who thinks his actions are god's will

And he thinks he's free free free free
Yes he thinks he's free free free free
He thinks he's free free free free

Soon must come the day
When the righteous have their way
Unjustly tried are free
And people live in peace I say
Give the man release
Go on and set your conscience free
Right the wrongs you made
Even a fool can have his day

Let us all be free free free free
Let us all be free free free free
Let us all be free free free free

Free our bodies free our minds
Free our hearts
Freedom for everyone
And freedom now
Freedom now
Freedom now
Freedom now

Let us all be free free free free
Let us all be free free free free
Let us all be free free free free


Tracy's speaking truth into my life and soul, who's speaking to you?

Evolution

So I don't have time to sit down and write a whole lengthy post, but my complete and utter astonishment has led me to jot down a few things.

In a lot of my classes there is an underlying assumption that we have evolved. Every single thing on this Earth has evolved from one organism. The more I hear about it and learn about it the more I find it completely and utterly ridiculous. Even in my Bio class where the first weeks were all about evolution there was absolutely no concrete evidence to really show me that anything they were saying was true. I'll admit we come close to the structure physiologically and anatomically to monkeys but that alone doesn't convince me that we were all derived from one female in Africa (this was an actual statement given in my bio class). Remember that none of this is actually proven. Even in my texts most of statements are started with "It is believed..." showing that nothing in this book is real actual truth.

I don't understand how anyone could really believe this after studying anatomy extensively. How did all of these incredibly intricate things that happen in our body (believe me they are incredibly complex) evolve from one prokaryote. And another thing, my Zoology professor always makes passing comments like "back when we were fish" and he's completely serious and doesn't even take a second breath when saying it, anyways he always says "we were designed". How can we evolve from nothing yet be designed?? Don't you need a designer to have a design? I've never heard of anything being invented or designed without something else doing the inventing or designing. Ridiculous... completely.

Anyways I often sit in class and chuckle at it all but at the same time I have to actually study all this crap in order to pass my tests. And I'm paying 500 dollars per class to have this filth taught.

small plate large serving

Here's my morning entry because I'm avoiding studying.

Why am I avoiding studying?

Simply because I am overwhelmed.

I find that when I'm overwhelmed I just feel like shutting down. When I'm stressed out everything seems wrong and nothing seems appealing. Not that studying is really appealing but the grade after studying is appealing.

I'm just realizing now how much I am actually stressing. It's a really weird feeling to me, I've never been one to stress. I've always been the laid back, relaxed, "everything's going to be ok" type of girl. Yet here I am writing a blog about essentially nothing all in an attempt to de-stress.

There could be a number of possibilities of why I am so stressed out, or rather why I am finding myself a lot more stressed than I have ever been in my life. I kind of feel like I have way to much on my plate, but there's nothing I can do to make it lighter. I just have to suck it up and eat what's been put in front of me.

Reminds me of when I was in England and they give you these ginormous (side note: isn't it funny that ginormous is actually a word in the dictionary? There's no red underline telling me it's wrong... strange...) servings of food, mostly carbohydrates. The food was good, pretty typical but the servings were just too much, and you couldn't leave food on your plate because that would be rude. Hence why we all came back heavier than when we left. Anyways life has given me a ginormous serving and I just have to continue to live it because there is no other choice.

Despite my stress I'm still enjoying it all. I just wish I knew how to motivate myself to keep going instead of avoiding.

Till next week...

Ramblings of a frustrated student

I'm not really sure what I want to write today. I just know that in the midst of homework, work, and home life I need an out. Something to relax me, something to make me step back and take a real look at life. The past year I've failed miserably at writing, probably because when I write I find truth. Truth about the world, truth about God, and most horrifying; truth about myself.

It's time to face it though, on an ongoing basis, I need to do it or I'm going to go crazy. Well I'm in the last part of my fourth week of classes at the University of Calgary. Wow I am a University student... WHAT THE!?!? It's true that dreams can come true. The biggest dream of my life is now in effect, wow.....

But things don't always go exactly how you want them too. There always seems to be a hook somewhere, something to make life harder than you thought it would be. For me it's having to work at the same time as go to school. I thought I would be able to do this no problem, was I ever WRONG! It's killing me, slowly but surely. By the time I get home either after work or after school I have to tidy up (cause Lord knows I CANNOT study in a mess) then I have to get supper ready, then I eat, then I clean up supper and then it's 7:30 and I have at least 3 hours of homework and reading to do each night, and that is the bare minimum, not including study time which is absolutely necessary in order to pass these classes. But I NEVER get it all done because I'm so exhausted that I physically can't open another book. I had no idea nursing was such an intense and tough course, it really wouldn't have changed my decision had I known, but it would have been nice to prepare for it. I've been sick for a week, still getting over it but I really doubt that's going to happen soon. This is definitely the hardest thing physically, emotionally, mentally, that I have ever done in my life. It's all thanks to the Alberta Government who gave me 160.00 for a student loan.... thanks a lot, I'll pay you back with my next paycheque. There is no words to describe my frustration.

The government wants/NEEDS more nurses, more doctors, more EVERYTHING yet they are not willing to put the money into good education. Instead they are producing students who are constantly fatigued, who can barely keep themselves going, who can barely make it to class, yet who have to work in order to do so. It makes absolutely no sense to me. They encourage you to work while your in school, well I have two jobs in order to be able to live, and I don't know how long I can last. Dumb government.

I think I'll stop complaining now and try to look on the bright side of life. Things I am grateful for: A wonderful boyfriend who supports me through everything, who helps when he can and believes in me. He pushes me, challenges me, and inspires me to be the best; to know that it's just a leg in the journey and not the whole journey. My parents who believe in me and help me to keep going, they are the ones who listen and give advice when I feel like my world is falling apart. I'm grateful for education, for the ability to learn and to achieve dreams.

Till next time....